How Early Life Experiences Can Affect You and Your Relationships

Have you ever wondered why certain situations affect you so strongly?

Perhaps criticism feels deeply personal, you find it difficult to say no, you worry about being rejected, or you repeatedly put other people's needs before your own.

You might recognise the same patterns appearing at work, within your family, in friendships or in your relationships.

Sometimes, our reactions to situations in the present may be influenced by early life experiences and emotional patterns that began developing much earlier in life.

Schema Therapy is a psychological approach that helps people understand these long-standing patterns, where they may have come from, and how they continue to influence thoughts, emotions, behaviours and relationships in adulthood.

It also explores ways of recognising and responding differently when these patterns are activated.

Trauma Isn't Always What People Imagine

When people hear the word trauma, they often think of serious experiences such as accidents, abuse or natural disasters.

While events such as these can have a significant psychological impact, difficult early experiences do not always involve a single major traumatic event.

Sometimes, experiences that may appear relatively small from the outside can affect a person deeply.

These might include:

• Being repeatedly criticised by a parent or teacher.

• Feeling that you were never "good enough", no matter how hard you tried.

• Being compared with a brother or sister.

• Being bullied or excluded at school.

• Feeling emotionally ignored or unsupported during difficult times.

• Growing up with unpredictable or emotionally unavailable caregivers.

• Feeling embarrassed or humiliated in front of classmates.

• Having your feelings regularly dismissed or minimised.

  
  

A painful conversation with a parent, repeated criticism from a teacher or feeling excluded by other children may seem insignificant years later.

However, for some people, experiences like these can influence the way they come to see themselves and other people.

Importantly, this does not mean that every difficult childhood experience is trauma.

People respond differently depending on many factors, including temperament, relationships, available support and other life experiences.

How Do Early Life Experiences Become Long-Standing Patterns?

Schema Therapy considers early experiences in relation to core emotional needs.

These include needs for secure attachment and safety, autonomy and competence, freedom to express valid needs and emotions, spontaneity and play, and appropriate boundaries and limits.

When important emotional needs are repeatedly unmet, some people may develop what Schema Therapy calls early maladaptive schemas (EMS).

These schemas are long-standing patterns involving thoughts, feelings, memories and beliefs about us, other people and relationships.

For example, someone who experienced repeated criticism while growing up may develop a strong sense that they are inadequate, likely to fail, or somehow flawed.

Someone whose emotional needs were frequently overlooked may come to believe that other people will not be there for them when they need emotional support.

These beliefs can feel very real, even when circumstances in adulthood are quite different.

How Can Schemas Affect You as an Adult?

Schemas don't only affect romantic relationships.

They may influence how you respond to friends, family members, colleagues and other people, as well as how you treat yourself and approach important areas of your life.

You might recognise patterns such as:

• Feeling that you are never quite good enough.

• Being highly sensitive to criticism or rejection.

• Being very harsh or self-critical about mistakes or regrets.

• Worrying that people will eventually leave you.

• Tolerating unhealthy or disrespectful behaviour from others.

• Finding it difficult to trust other people.

• Seeking frequent reassurance.

• Putting other people's needs before your own.

• Finding it difficult to say "no" or establish boundaries.

• Avoiding conflict because it feels overwhelming.

• Feeling responsible for keeping everyone else happy.

• Shutting down or distancing yourself when you feel hurt.

• Expecting or pushing yourself to meet extremely high standards.
  

Often, people recognise the behaviour but don't understand why they keep doing it.

You might think, "I know I shouldn't react this strongly, but I can't seem to stop it" or "I know I don't need everyone's approval, but disappointing someone makes me feel terrible."

Understanding the emotional pattern underneath the reaction can be an important part of Schema Therapy.

What Are Schema Modes?

Schema Therapy also describes schema modes.

A schema mode is an emotional state or coping response that can become activated in particular situations.

For example, someone may experience what Schema Therapy calls a Vulnerable Child mode, where they feel rejected, frightened, lonely or unlovable.

Another person may respond through a Detached Protector mode, emotionally shutting down or distancing themselves when they feel vulnerable.

Other people may cope by becoming extremely compliant, trying to keep everyone happy or avoiding disagreement.

These responses can happen quickly and sometimes outside our immediate awareness. This can help explain why a seemingly small interaction in the present sometimes produces a surprisingly strong emotional response.

Patterns that may once have helped someone cope with difficult circumstances may not always be helpful in their adult life.

How Can Schemas Affect Your Relationships?

Our schemas don't disappear when we enter a relationship. In fact, close relationships can sometimes activate them particularly strongly.

For example, imagine that one partner has developed a strong fear of abandonment.

When their partner becomes quiet after a difficult day, they might interpret the silence as:

"Something is wrong."

"They're pulling away from me."

"Maybe they don't want me anymore."

They may seek reassurance or try harder to reconnect.

Their partner, however, may have learned to cope with uncomfortable emotions by withdrawing. Feeling pressured, they become even quieter.

The first partner becomes increasingly anxious and pursues connection more strongly. The second feels increasingly overwhelmed and withdraws further.

Neither person necessarily intends to hurt the other. Their individual emotional patterns are interacting and creating a pursue–withdraw cycle.

Over time, couples can find themselves having what feels like the same argument repeatedly, even though the topic changes.

Understanding the schemas and emotional responses underneath these interactions may help couples recognise why certain situations repeatedly trigger strong reactions.

How Can Schema Therapy Help?

Schema Therapy aims to help people recognise long-standing emotional patterns and explore how those patterns may have developed and how they are affecting their life in the present.

Rather than simply asking, "How do I stop doing this?", therapy can explore questions such as:

Why does this situation affect me so strongly?

What am I feeling underneath my reaction?

Is an old emotional pattern being activated?

Is the way I learned to cope still helpful to me today?

Therapy may involve learning to recognise schemas and modes when they become activated, exploring the needs and experiences associated with them, developing emotional regulation skills and practising more flexible ways of responding.

For someone attending individual counselling, Schema Therapy may provide a framework for exploring patterns connected with self-esteem, boundaries, emotions, family relationships, friendships and other areas of life. Identifying schemas and schema modes associated with a particular difficulty can help develop a clearer understanding of the patterns involved and provide a focus for therapy.

For someone attending couples counselling, understanding each partner's schemas may provide another way of exploring recurring conflict, emotional triggers and patterns such as pursuing and withdrawing. This understanding can also be integrated with approaches such as the Gottman Method when working with communication and relationship patterns.

Understanding Your Patterns Can Be a Starting Point

It can be easy to think:

"This is just who I am."

"I've always been like this."

Or, within a relationship:

"We always end up having the same argument."

Long-standing patterns can be difficult to recognise because they may feel familiar and automatic.

Developing an understanding of where these patterns may have come from, recognising when they are being activated and exploring different ways of responding can create opportunities for change.

Whether you are seeking individual counselling or couples counselling, exploring how earlier experiences may be influencing your life today can be a useful part of understanding yourself and your relationships.

If you would like to discuss whether my approach may be suitable for you or your relationship, I offer a complimentary 15-minute telephone consultation to discuss your concerns and answer questions about the counselling process. David Nowland Psychologist | Counselling Gold Coast