Couples Therapy or Individual Counselling: Which Is Right for Me?

When something isn't going well in your relationship, it isn't always obvious where to start. You might be experiencing relationship difficulties but wondering whether it would be better to speak with a psychologist on your own. Or perhaps you're dealing with anxiety, stress, low mood, or other personal challenges that are also affecting your relationship.

So, should you consider individual counselling or couples therapy? There isn't one answer that is right for everyone. A useful starting point is to think about what you would most like to work on and whether the main concern is individual or relational.

In simple terms: individual counselling primarily focuses on you and your personal wellbeing, while couples therapy primarily focuses on the relationship and the patterns between partners. When personal and relationship difficulties overlap, the most appropriate starting point depends on what you would most like therapy to address.

What is Individual Counselling?

Individual counselling involves working one-on-one with a psychologist on concerns that are primarily affecting you. People may seek individual counselling for many different reasons, including:

• Anxiety or persistent worry

• Depression or low mood

• Stress or feeling overwhelmed

• Self-criticism or low self-esteem

• Difficult emotions or patterns of behaviour

• Grief or significant life changes

• Difficulties related to past experiences

• Recurring patterns in relationships

  
  

Individual counselling provides a space to explore your own experiences, emotions, and patterns without your partner being involved in the therapy. The focus is on you and your individual therapeutic goals.

What is Couples Therapy?

Couples therapy is different because the relationship itself becomes an important focus of the work. Couples may consider therapy when they are experiencing difficulties such as:

• Frequent arguments or recurring conflict

• Communication difficulties

• Feeling emotionally disconnected

• Difficulties rebuilding trust

• Differences around parenting, finances, intimacy, or other important areas

• Uncertainty about the future of the relationship

• Recurring patterns that the couple has been unable to resolve

  
  

Rather than treating one partner as the "problem," couples therapy looks at the patterns developing between both partners and how each person contributes to and experiences those patterns.

Couples Therapy or Individual Counselling: How Do I Know Which One I Need?

One useful question is: "Is the main thing I want help with what is happening within me, or between us?" For example, if you are struggling primarily with anxiety, low mood, self-esteem, or your own emotional patterns, individual counselling may be more appropriate. If your main concern is recurring conflict, communication, trust, or emotional disconnection within your relationship, couples therapy may be more appropriate.

Of course, the distinction isn't always clear. Personal difficulties can affect relationships, and relationship difficulties can affect individual wellbeing. Someone experiencing anxiety, for example, may notice that it influences how they respond to their partner. Similarly, ongoing relationship difficulties can contribute to considerable stress for both partners.

The question is therefore not necessarily: "Is this an individual problem or a relationship problem?" It may be more useful to ask: "What would I most like therapy to focus on?"

What if My Partner Doesn't Want to Attend Couples Therapy?

Sometimes one partner wants to attend couples therapy while the other isn't ready or doesn't want to participate. In that situation, individual counselling may still be an option if you would like support with your own wellbeing, emotions, decisions, or patterns. However, individual counselling is not simply couples therapy with only one partner present.

The psychologist's role in individual therapy is to work with the individual client and their therapeutic goals rather than assess or treat a relationship without both partners participating.

Can I Start Individual Counselling and Bring My Partner Later?

This is an important question to consider before starting therapy if you think you may eventually want couples therapy. At my practice, I do not transition from being one partner's individual psychologist to becoming the couple's therapist. This is because an existing individual therapeutic relationship may create a conflict of interest and can make it more difficult to maintain the neutrality required when working with both partners as a couple.

If you are unsure whether you want individual counselling or couples therapy, it can therefore be helpful to consider this before making your first appointment. If you begin individual counselling and later decide that you and your partner would like couples therapy, a referral to another suitably qualified therapist may be appropriate.

What if We Both Have Individual Issues?

This is very common. Two people bring their own personalities, histories, beliefs, vulnerabilities, and ways of coping into a relationship. Having individual difficulties doesn't automatically mean that individual counselling should come before couples therapy. The most appropriate approach depends on the circumstances, what each person is experiencing, and what the couple hopes to address.

It can also be valuable to have your own individual therapist while participating in couples therapy. Some of my couples therapy clients also see their own psychologist or counsellor separately. Individual therapy provides a private space to focus on your own mental health, personal challenges, emotions, and experiences. There may be things you want to explore or work through individually rather than as part of a couples therapy session.

When appropriate, individual therapy and couples therapy can therefore serve different purposes. Couples therapy focuses primarily on the relationship and the patterns between partners, while your individual therapist can focus specifically on you and your personal wellbeing. For this reason, if individual therapy is needed alongside couples therapy, it is generally best for this to be provided by a different therapist.

What Happens if We Choose Couples Therapy?

Couples therapy at my practice begins with an assessment process rather than moving immediately into therapy. The assessment provides an opportunity to develop a clearer understanding of the relationship, each partner's experiences, and the patterns that may be contributing to current difficulties. I use the Gottman Method Couples Therapy framework together with Schema Therapy concepts when appropriate to the couple and their presenting concerns.

Following assessment, therapeutic goals can be discussed, and the couple can make an informed decision about proceeding with therapy.

There Doesn't Have to Be a "Right" Answer Immediately

If you're deciding between individual counselling and couples therapy, you don't necessarily need to have everything figured out before contacting a psychologist. What matters is identifying as clearly as possible what you would like help with. If the primary concern is your own psychological wellbeing, individual counselling may be appropriate. If the primary concern is the relationship and the patterns occurring between you and your partner, couples therapy may be worth considering.

And when the two overlap, discussing the situation before commencing therapy can help determine an appropriate starting point.

David Nowland is a Registered Psychologist and Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist in Southport on the Gold Coast. He provides individual counselling and couples therapy, with telehealth also available within Australia.

For more information about individual counselling or couples therapy, visit David Nowland Psychologist.

This article provides general information only and is not intended to provide psychological advice or to determine which form of therapy is appropriate for any individual or couple.