Do You Think Couples Therapy Will Fix Your Partner?

Many years ago, Michelle Obama shared a candid reflection about her experience of couples therapy during an interview on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon. You can watch the interview here.

She later reflected that she initially hoped couples therapy would focus on changing her husband. Over time, she realised that the process also encouraged her to reflect on herself, her expectations, and the role she played in the relationship.

Whether or not you've seen the interview, her story highlights one of the most common misconceptions about couples therapy.

If you're considering couples therapy yourself, understanding what therapy is and isn't may help you decide whether it's the right next step for your relationship.

Many people begin therapy believing that if their partner would simply change, the relationship would improve. That feeling is understandable, particularly when communication has broken down or the same conflict keeps resurfacing.

For many couples, therapy is not about changing one person. Instead, it involves understanding the interaction patterns that develop between partners and exploring different ways of responding to one another.

It's Natural to Focus on Your Partner

When a relationship becomes difficult, attention naturally shifts towards what our partner is doing.

You might catch yourself thinking:

• "If only my partner would listen."

• "If only my partner communicated differently."

• "If only my partner understood how I feel."
  

These thoughts are common. When we're hurt, disappointed or frustrated, it's often much easier to notice another person's behaviour than our own reactions in the moment.

That doesn't mean you're wrong. It simply reflects how relationship distress can feel from the inside.

Couples Therapy Isn't About Choosing Sides

One concern I sometimes hear before a first session is:

"Will you tell my partner they're the problem?"

The purpose of couples therapy isn't to decide who's right or wrong. Instead, it aims to explore the interaction pattern that has developed between two people. Often, conflict isn't really about the dishes, the money or the in-laws. It's about the cycle underneath.

A common example is when one partner becomes critical because they feel unheard, while the other withdraws because they feel overwhelmed or emotionally flooded. The more one partner pursues, the more the other retreats and the more one retreats, the harder the other pursues. Neither person usually intends to create this pattern, but over time both partners may find themselves caught within it.

These interaction patterns may include behaviours that the Gottman Institute describes as the Four Horsemen: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. Rather than assigning blame, couples therapy provides an opportunity to recognise these patterns and explore healthier ways of responding to one another, including approaches such as gentle start-ups, taking responsibility for one's own part, and self-soothing when emotions become heightened.

Looking at Yourself Isn't the Same as Blaming Yourself

Some of the most valuable moments in therapy can occur when people begin asking themselves questions such as:

• How do I usually respond when conflict begins?

• What emotions sit underneath my reaction?

• What might my partner be experiencing in this moment?
  

These questions aren't about accepting all the responsibility.

They're about developing greater self-awareness the kind that helps people notice both their own bids for connection and those of their partner before criticism, defensiveness or withdrawal become the default pattern.

In my experience, it can be helpful when both partners become curious about their own thoughts, emotions and behaviours, rather than focusing only on what they would like the other person to change.

Every Relationship Is Different

Reflecting on your own behaviour doesn't mean responsibility is always equal.

Some relationships involve betrayal, ongoing dishonesty, emotional abuse, coercive control or violence. In these situations, different clinical considerations apply, and safety always comes first.

For many couples, understanding each person's contribution to the interaction pattern may create opportunities for more constructive communication and a stronger sense of connection the qualities the Gottman Institute describes as forming the foundation of the Sound Relationship House.

A Different Question to Ask

Instead of asking:

"How can couples therapy fix my partner?"

it may be more helpful to ask:

• What would I like to understand about myself?

• How do I usually respond when I feel hurt or disconnected?

• Is there something I could do differently that might interrupt our usual pattern?
  

These questions don't imply that one person is to blame.

Rather, they recognise that lasting change often begins with greater awareness—of yourself, your partner and the interaction pattern you create together.

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Most people don't begin couples therapy because they want to examine themselves.

They come because something in the relationship isn't working. That's completely understandable.

Over time, many people discover that couples therapy isn't about proving who's right or convincing the therapist that their partner is the problem.

Instead, it may provide an opportunity to better understand the interaction patterns that keep couples feeling stuck and to explore different ways of relating to one another, including recognising repair attempts and responding to bids for connection.

Sometimes the most useful question isn't:

"How can I change my partner?"

It's:

"What can I learn about myself that might help our relationship?"

Every relationship is unique. This article provides general information only and is not a substitute for personalised psychological advice. If you have concerns about your relationship or your safety, seeking professional support may be appropriate.

Frequently Asked Questions

• Will a couples therapist take sides?

A couples therapist's role is generally to understand the relationship dynamics rather than determine who is right or wrong. Therapy provides an opportunity for couples to better understand their patterns of interaction and communication and to explore different ways of responding to one another.

• Do both partners need to change?

Every relationship is different. Couples therapy often invites both partners to reflect on their own communication, emotional responses and relationship patterns. This doesn't mean responsibility is always equal, particularly where there are concerns about safety, abuse or coercive control.

• What if my partner is unwilling to reflect on their behaviour?

People begin therapy with different expectations and different levels of readiness. Sometimes one partner becomes more self-reflective before the other. Therapy provides an opportunity to explore these differences and consider whether both partners are willing to work towards shared relationship goals.

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Interested in Couples Therapy?

If you're wondering whether couples therapy may be right for your relationship, I offer a complimentary 15-minute phone consultation with both partners before arranging appointments.

During the call, we can briefly discuss your concerns, explain how the couples therapy process works, and help you decide whether it f

eels like a suitable fit for your relationship.

Learn more about Couples Counselling and book your complimentary 15-minute phone consultation: https://www.davidnowland.com.au/couple-counselling